The Mixed Tape
by di311
Summary: Post season 5. Craig and Ashley reflect on their on again, off again relationship. Four vignettes that can be read seperately or together for the complete story.
1. The Mixed Tape

The Mixed Tape

A/N: This is going to be one of four one shots that go together but can all be read seperately as well. Enjoy and review! )

_This is morning, that's when I spend the most time  
Thinking about what I've given up_

I wake with a start from a variation of the same dream that I have all the time. In it I'm with _her_, as always. We're happy just like old times but somewhere in the middle the dream always changes. I'm alone, and I have no idea what happened to her. Then I go to look for her. Sometimes I find her and sometimes I don't. Whenever I find her it's usually on some sidewalk of a busy street, I guess that's my subconscious bringing in a past memory of how I ran after her once before. This time I found her somewhere different. I found her at a wedding, her wedding…to someone else. I couldn't see his face, but I could see hers. She turned to me with a sad look on her face and mouthed words to me. Now, this happened once before too, except she didn't mouth the same words in my dream as she did that other time. This time, she said "You're too late." And then I woke up.

_This is a warning  
When you start the day just to close the curtains  
You're thinking 'bout what I've given up_

And so it goes. I spend another hour lying in my bed trying to figure out why I can't seem to shake her and get on with my life. I have every reason to appreciate life. I ended up making it big in Canada a little bit after that time I spent in Vancouver recording an album. I had abandoned the funk sound and went back to the original style that got me my first chance. Of course, that was sort of her too since she was my inspiration for _the_ song. Some years and hundreds of shows later I ended up successfully crossing over to the U.S. Now I'm living in California of all places and preparing to do a homecoming show in Toronto. Maybe that's why the dreams of her started to become more frequent.

_Where are you now?  
As I'm swimming through the stereo  
I'm writing you a symphony of sound_

I've written other songs about her since "Dust". Some she knew about back when we were still together and some I wonder if she has figured them out. All she ever told me was that she thought all my stuff was great and that she was proud of me. But that was back when my first album came out. I've already done a second and if I'm being honest with myself I have to admit that some of those songs are about her too. I just can't help it, my stuff is just better when I write about her. I guess she's my muse.

_Where are you now?  
As I rearrange the songs again  
This mix could burn a hole in anyone  
But it was you I was thinking of  
_

Ashley Kerwin. I always think of her just as that, _her_. I hardly ever think of her by name. I don't know why that is. I can't understand half of the things in my brain when it comes to her but all I know is that she's been the one constant.

_I read your letter  
The one you left when you broke into my house  
Retracing every step you made_

We had written back and forth to each other occasionally. She even came to see me when she was visiting Caitlin in L.A. for some journalist thing. She was the first familiar face I had seen in a long time besides Caitlin, Joey, and sometimes Angie. Joey comes out here all the time to see his on-again fiancé of a few years. They're probably going to be fifty by the time they actually marry but hey, whatever works. They kind of remind me of me and Ash. But at least they're finally making it work. Before she left we spent all night in this little bar just talking about everything. She told me she regretted the way things ended between us and she thought about me a lot, about us. We said a lot of things that night.

_And you said you meant it  
And there's a piece of me in every single  
Second of every single day  
But if it's true then tell me how it got this way  
_

Yet the next day she got on her flight as planned and I've only heard from her a few times since then. It's been months and I wonder if maybe she thought she said too much, and she changed her mind about everything. Maybe that's the way things are supposed to work with muses; they're just supposed to be like an unreachable illusion, not a reality.

_And I can't get to you  
I can't get to you  
I can't get to you, you, you  
_

I finally force myself to swing my legs over the side of the bed and get up. The wooden floor is freezing and I half run to the bathroom. When I finally get in the shower and let the hot water spray on my face it helps to clear my head a little. I think about my so-called love life. Manny and I had broken up that summer after I came back from Vancouver. I don't talk to her much either but I know she's out here making movies just like she knew she would, I hear she's engaged to another actor. I've dated various girls but nothing seems to stick. I just can't make a commitment or a connection with any of them. Tons of people tell me I can get any woman I want but I'm just too stubborn to settle. There's only one out there that I do want and I decide that I need to make my own reality so I can stop being haunted by her in my dreams. It's time for me to find out if I can reach my muse again and keep hold of her this time.

_And this is my mixed tape for her  
It's like I wrote every note  
With my own fingers_


	2. A Sorta Fairytale

A Sorta Fairytale

**_Song by Tori Amos._**

_On my way up North  
Up on the Ventura  
I pulled back the hood  
And I was talking to you_

A few days ago I received an unmarked letter in the mail with only my name on it, _Ashley_. I recognized the handwriting instantly. And I knew he had to have been here at my place to drop it off seeing as neither address was given to denote a destination to the mail carrier. Inside was a concert ticket for this upcoming weekend and a note. The only thing the note said was "don't be late". Not even a signature. But he knew I would know it was him. I'm sure that he also knew that I would know why he didn't hand deliver it to me in person, and I do. He's testing me. He only went so far and now it's up to me to finish it.

_And I knew then it would be  
A Life Long thing  
But I didn't know that we  
We could break a silver lining_

So here I am. Driving the several hours drive to the venue that he's playing at tonight. My job asked me to cover the show while I'm at it but I told them no, this is a personal trip. I had to make things right after our last meeting, and something told me that I shouldn't miss this opportunity.

_Things you said that day  
Up on the 101  
The girl had come undone  
I tried to downplay it  
With a bet about us  
You said that  
You'd take it  
As long as I could  
I could not erase it_

The last time we had seen each other, we had a serious conversation that I must admit freaked me out. We both said some meaningful things and I think he was ready to start something again but I just kept running like I've done for the past seven or so years.

But in those years I've had time to do lots of thinking and exploring. And one thing I've realized is that I've never been happier than I am whenever I'm around him. I've figured out that there's a reason why we keep ending up back in the same spot. So I think that I'm finally ready to stop running away, and start running ahead to my future.

_And I ride along side  
And I rode along side  
You then  
And I rode along side  
Till you lost me there  
In the open road  
And I rode along side  
Till the honey spread  
Itself so thin  
For me to break your bread  
For me to take your word  
I had to steal it_

We've had our ups and downs. Each having been on the giving and receiving side of pain and heartache. I think I ran so much because I was afraid of that, afraid that it was all we would amount to. But now I realize that the only reason we can hurt each other so much is because we love each other so much. Because it's worth it to risk your heart for someone that can make it so full. I think Craig must have known this all along but it took me a while to catch on.

I don't even regret the lost time because I know it helped us to grow into ourselves and become better for each other in the end. We've both had some failed relationships (if you can call them that) since then and got some great insight of what life would be like if we ended up choosing someone else. I know that none of the other guys even came close to him and I honestly don't believe that I loved any of them. I tried so hard at the time to convince myself otherwise but there's no faking that kind of thing.

I'm really close to my exit now and I start to wonder what I will say or do. But then I stop and recognize that that's part of my problem. I don't need to prepare some big speech or even the perfect words. I've already got three that should suffice. And something tells me no matter what I do, I won't be disappointed.

_And I'm so sad  
Like a good book  
I can't put this  
Day Back  
A sorta fairytale  
With you  
I could pick back up  
Whenever I feel_


	3. Echo Part I

Echo Part I

Song by Trapt.

Tonight's the night. Though I have no doubt in my mind that she'll be here, I can't remember a time that I was this nervous before a show probably since my first headlining appearance. I finish tuning my guitar, though there are people specifically hired to do that I still like to do it myself, take a sip of water, and give my back up band "good luck" handshakes. It's time, the moment of truth.

Instead of opening with a single like I always do, tonight I'm opening with a song I had written for my second album, after one of our many almost on-agains. That's why I told her not to be late. As soon as I walk onto the stage my eyes begin scanning the crowd frantically. When I reach the mike I give a short greeting,

"Hey, Toronto! As you probably know this is my hometown, so this is a very special show for me. To go along with that theme, I'd like to open with a special song for a very special person. She knows who she is."

_Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by  
There is no time to waste asking why  
I'll run away with you by my side  
I'll run away with you by my side  
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride  
Asking why_

I'm still searching when finally I spot her moving in the crowd to my left. I'm staring into a sea of people but now they all might as well be gone. We lock eyes and a flood of memories wash over me. Kissing her, caressing her skin, waking up to her with the sun shining through the window making her skin glow and eyes sparkle. I have to marvel at her beauty.

_I think about your face, and how I fall into your eyes  
The outline that I trace, around the one that I call mine  
A time that called for space, unclear where you drew the line  
I don't need to solve this case, and I don't need to look behind_

Ever since I screwed up that first time so long ago I realized what I'd be missing without her. I knew then that if I ever got her back I should hold onto her forever. That hasn't changed, but I guess it wasn't only my choice.

_Do I expect to change the past I hold inside  
With all the words I say repeating over in my mind  
Some things you can't erase, no matter how hard you try  
An exit to escape is all there is left to find_

I know the meaning of the song is not lost on her. Though she's far away from me I'm pretty sure I see a tear slide down her cheek. We both know that she's been running away from me for too long, and now it's time for her to run away with me. Away from her fears and doubts that have held her back for so long, for too long. She starts moving through the crowd quicker towards the front. Once there, she talks to one of the guards and he begins to lead her out of the crowd and my view. But its okay, I know where she's going.

_So I  
Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by  
There is no time to waste asking why  
I'll run away with you by my side  
I'll run away with you by my side  
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride  
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind  
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside_

I had basically forced all the members of the venue staff working tonight to memorize her picture so they knew what to do if she approached one of them. I glance to my left and see her waiting there on the side of the stage. I know these next songs we play before a quick intermission are going to make for the longest stretch of time I've ever had to endure but at least she's closer now.

When it finally came time for intermission, I rushed over to where she was standing. For a good twenty seconds we did nothing but stare at each other. After what felt like an eternity she spoke,

"I love you…"

Was all she managed to get out before I scooped her up in my arms and spun her around probably a few too many times making us both a little dizzy, but we just laughed about it. Once I have her in my arms I'm enveloped by her unique scent that is so sweet and comforting to me. She breaks my reverie when she continues to speak.

"…I'm sorry it took me so long to come to my senses. I guess I've known all along where I belong I just was too scared of our past, but I'm ready to move forward now. Thanks for waiting for me."

I takehold of her face and look into her eyes. Though everything about her is permanently etched into my brain, the memory is nothing like the real thing.

I finally speak, "In case you didn't remember, I love you too. Always."

A brilliant smile lights up her face and I can't help but smile in return, so happy I can make her do that again. My feelings overcome me and I can't hold back anymore so I finally close the small distance between us and kiss her. All the feelings of longing and happiness are communicated through our lips and it's almost overwhelming, but neither one of us pull away until we're forced to from lack of air. I give her a few more quick kisses for good measure.

My band all starts to gather nearby us, my signal that the break is up and it's time to go back onstage. Reluctantly, we break apart and my gaze doesn't leave her until I get to my mike. Even then, I can't help but continue to look back at her the whole time.

We've finally gotten it right, and I can't wait to continue.


	4. Echo Part II

Echo Part II

Ashley's point of view, occurs at the same time as the last chapter except at the end, it'll be obvious though.

I arrive at the venue and can't help but laugh at all of the young girls that are Angie's age wearing T-shirts with Craig's face on them and holding signs with colored paint and glitter proclaiming their love for him. Hmm…maybe I should've thought of that. But that's okay, something tells me I don't need anything showy. As I walk past various staff members I feel like they're eyeing me more than one would normally expect but it doesn't seem to be a bad thing so I just shake it off.

I have to pick up my pace when I hear very loud cheering signifying to me that Craig must be onstage. I make it inside just in time to hear his opening welcome to the crowd. He says the first song is for a special person and when the words "she knows who she is" come out of his mouth I smile and hear a chorus of disappointed "awws" coming from the girls surrounding me. Sorry girls, but I'm here to claim my guy.

_Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by  
There is no time to waste asking why  
I'll run away with you by my side  
I'll run away with you by my side  
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride  
Asking why_

I remember this song. When I first heard it I did know what it was about. How could I not? At the time it definitely made me feel guilty and sad but I was still in denial, now I can't keep pushing the feelings back. As I continue making my way through the crowd I see that he's scanning it, trying to find me I suppose. He finally looks directly to the spot I'm at and our eyes meet. I remember all the times I've looked into his eyes and run my hands through his curly hair. Every time I see him after being apart for a while it strikes me how handsome he is.

_I think about your face, and how I fall into your eyes  
The outline that I trace, around the one that I call mine  
A time that called for space, unclear where you drew the line  
I don't need to solve this case, and I don't need to look behind_  
I'm reminded of that first time I left him to go to England. It killed me at the time and when we had finally met again a year later I could see that the pain had not yet subsided. I have no doubt in my mind that he was finished with everything else that second time we were together, that he really would've married me. Deep down I know I felt, feel, the same way but I guess I thought we both needed space and time to be sure. Well, we've certainly had that, and of course we've ended up back in the same place.

_Do I expect to change the past I hold inside  
With all the words I say repeating over in my mind  
Some things you can't erase, no matter how hard you try  
An exit to escape is all there is left to find_

My emotions overcome me and I feel a tear escape my eye. It's not that I'm sad but I guess I have a tendency to cry when I'm overwhelmed with feelings of happiness and in this case, nostalgia. I can't take the slow pace anymore so I push harder to get through the crowd. When I finally reach the front and move to get a guards attention he surprisingly approaches me first. He addresses me as "that important chick" and tells me to follow him.

_So I  
Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by  
There is no time to waste asking why  
I'll run away with you by my side  
I'll run away with you by my side  
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride  
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind  
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside_

By the time Craig finishes the song I've reached the side of the stage and for a moment, I do feel important to be "backstage". He looks over and smiles at me and despite myself I melt just a little more, God, now I feel like a groupie. But I know that's impossible, I'm way more than that. I'm so anxious to actually talk to him but I know I must wait until they get to take a break. It's too big of a moment to occur between songs.

When he announces that they're going to take a short break I feel my nerves start to bundle in my stomach again. I exhale sharply and before I know it he's standing directly in front of me. It takes me a while to get myself together as we keep looking at each other. I finally manage to get those three words I've been meaning to say out. I see that this was the right thing to say as his reaction is clearly a happy one.

I begin to laugh after he picks me up and spins us around, mostly because I can tell he managed to make himself dizzy by that move. I definitely feel that way but I'm not sure if it's from the spinning or his presence. Nevertheless, I get more words out, apologizing for my distance for so long and thanking him for sticking around for this moment.

He takes hold of my face and I take the opportunity to gaze back into his eyes. He tells me he loves me too and though I know it and he's said it many times before it never fails to make my heart flutter just a bit. He leans in to kiss me I know that if either of us were still even a little bit unsure, all those feelings are gone now through this kiss.

Our moment is over for now as it's time for him to go back on and continue his concert. I squeeze his hand before letting go and he watches me until he gets back to his spot on stage. I continue to wait on the side until it's over.

Amidst the applause and cheers, well more accurately, screams, Craig returns to me and gives me a much sweatier hug and kiss this time. But I don't mind and we share a look reminded of the time he once threatened to "smother me in sweat".

I accompany him to his makeshift dressing room and we sit on the couch talking with his bandmates and basking in the glory of our rekindled love. After a not so subtle request from Craig for us to be alone the rest of the band exits. I move to sit on his lap facing him and put my arms around his neck.

"So, Mr. Manning, now that you've got me what do you plan to do with me?"

Craig laughs and gives me a mischievous look, "Well that's a loaded question."

I join in the laughter and give him a sly smile, "One we'll have plenty of time to explore."

I rest my head on his shoulder and he stokes my hair, for the first time in a while I finally feel at home.

**A/N:** **Hope everyone liked it and I highly reccommend all the songs used...they're beautiful: )**


End file.
